I was struggling today. It was one of those days where I just wanted to go back to bed and start over from the minute I left my house. The reason for the struggle was not anything in particular and was most definitely not anything that was apparent to anyone around me. It wasn’t the rushing out the door because we can’t be on time to save our lives that got to me or the group of teenagers that I needed to wake up and motivate so early in the morning. It wasn’t that some major disaster happened or even that it was Monday.
The truth is the source of my struggle was the battle with the internal monster that we all face. The monster that tells you that you’re not good enough in any aspect of your life. The monster that tells you that you are a horrible mother because you lost your patience with your child. The monster that tells you that you’re colleagues all hate you and you should really learn to shut your mouth. The monster that tells you that you’re still single because you must have something wrong with you that sends the opposite sex running in the opposite direction. You’re not pretty enough. You’re not smart enough. You’re not important enough. The list goes on and on.
I eventually pulled myself together but those thoughts never completely went away. The truth is they never do. You can banish them to the back of your mind for a little while but eventually they find they’re way back in. I kept remembering Aibileen Clark’s words in The Help- “You is kind, you is smart, you is important”.
I write this not because I want to worry anyone or invoke pity. I write this because I feel its important for those of you that have days like this to know that it is ok. It is ok to feel this way and have horrible, awful days. Coming from someone who has battled anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember, it is important that we know we are not alone when we have days like this. Most of the time we’re told that we’re amazing and that we shouldn’t feel this way, but we do. Feelings are dismissed and at times you are thought of as irrational and overdramatic. Of course, I understand that the people mean well most of the time, but the cliche lines that it’s all going to be ok and the storm will pass are not always what we need. Sometimes we need to feel what we’re feeling and know that the people around us can be understanding of that. We need to know that we are not alone and that someone cares.
Now that this day is over, I am going to put it behind me and look forward to tomorrow. I know that it will be a good day because I am going to make sure that it is. My internal monster can go bury itself under a rock where it belongs. If you were riding the struggle bus today, I hope that you have a wonderful Tuesday too.
Thanks for reading,